crazy diamond's Journal

don't ask. do not even think about asking.
well, i went to kamloops, and now i'm back. that's about all i have to say about that. thank god i'm home *sigh*. but what a pisser this weather is! it's cold as bloody hell.

y'kno, i don't really think i have anything to say about anything. life is insane right now, and i'd be here for hours trying to make sense of it. *bangs her head against the wall a few times* ahh, much better. i'll explain when i have any idea of what's going on...

Current Mood: worried
Current Music: "i need a man to love" - janis

running from my life again..
well, i saw tyler for the first time since our breakup yesterday... it was a bit odd. i'd kinda managed to push the fact that he's absolutely beautiful out of my memory, and the second he peeked in the door i was hit with an uncontrollable urge to maul him. *sigh* but i did control it. luckily a friend of mine that i hadn't seen in ages was also there, so i kinda wimped out... i just talked to her the whole time and sort of ignored him. it was mean, and weak... but i just knew i wasn't ready to see him yet. me n tyler have great talks on the phone, we're just not ready for face-to-face yet.

well damn, i hope andrea remembers to call me before she leaves for kamloops! i still haven't heard from her yet, and we're supposed to be going today. sheesh.

Current Mood: grumpy
Current Music: "nice n neat" - boomtown rats

*yaaaawn*
i can't believe i stayed until wednesday! what a crazy weekend-turned-week. it was so great being surrounded by all my close friends, sharing our support, laughing, crying... and drinking.. *hehe*. and i'm so happy that i connected so well with a coupla people who had always been "friends of friends".. it's a good lesson for me, just reach out to people and let them accept you or reject you before you decide which they'll choose. i strengthened my existing friendships and made some new ones.. all in all, a fantastic trip. god, i love my friends *g*. they're what's going to keep my head above water while i struggle with all this tyler bullshit, i can't forget that. i can't pull away from them in my time of need.

so on tuesday i'm going back.... grady (the sweetest guy ever aside from tyler) is having a christmas party that i totally wanna be at. crazy life, eh? i'm so tired... but happier than i've been in a long, long time.

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: "this is my life" - toad

well now, this will be an adventure...
my party that i've been looking forward to seems to have been cancelled :P it's for a very good reason tho, so i'm not too upset-the friend who was hosting it recently found out that a close family friend is dying, so she wanted to go see her this weekend. as if any decent human being could feel sorry for themselves after hearing THAT. *sighs* poor, poor leanne, i can't even imagine how hard that must be for her. so i'm basically going to kamloops anyway, and just seeing who's around and who i can hang with. leanne might be back tonight, maybe tomorrow, and we'll wing together some kinda party when she does come back. *lol* until then, tho, things could be interesting. wish me luck... i don't usually go places without any idea of what i'll do there...

Current Mood: surprised
Current Music: "fred meyers" - glen phillips

bouncing off the walls...
eeeeeeee! glen's cd came out today!!!! i ordered it right right right away, and it should be here in about two weeks... EEEEE! so so so so so so excited!!!!!

(any of my friends who may be reading this and have no idea who glen phillips is... i dunno how in god's name i haven't talked your ear off about him *lol*, but ask me and i'll put you in the know *g*)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

*boing* *boing* *boing*

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: "maya" - glen phillips

love these lazy winter days...
today's a very cozy day... it's snowing like crazy outside, and both of my parents are home sick (they're sick! really!), so we're all just camping out in the living room watching movies. it's the first time in awhile that i've felt really content, and genuinely at peace. this is nice :)

well, my birthday was pretty good... my friends called to wish me happy birthday, my fam and i went out for dinner, i made the best of it. it wasn't the same without tyler there, but i think i did a good job of salvaging the day. now let's hope the party goes well... woohoo...*hehe*

ps: plumberry, thanx for the e-mail! it cheered me up muchly :)

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Music: "marigolds" - glen phillips

i wish i could get excited...
... but everything just seems to have lost its lustre lately. ah well. happy birthday to me. i'm now officially 19. and celebrating it alone.

maybe my party will cheer me up... god, i hope so.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: "julia" - emm gryner

i'm afraid of changing, cuz i built my life around you...
but sadly, sometimes life gives us no choice. my two years with tyler have come to an end.

i know in some ways it's a good thing that he made this choice. we weren't being very good to each other, and the stresses of our personal lives were coming between us. now, we can remain close, but without the added pressure of a relationship. still... two years weigh heavily on you. i can't really imagine life without him by my side, as my lover and companion. i guess i'll just have to learn to.

and it's all because of this goddamn illness. it comes between me and everything that's important to me, and now it's forced me to make the ultimate sacrifice. my dear, sweet tyler. i don't think i'll love again for a long, long time... maybe i'll just rebound furiously for awhile *g* there we go, think positive...

blah, my mind is like scrambled egg right now. i don't know whether to cry, laugh, or put my face thru a window.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: "miss you love" - silverchair

i think it'll be called "daybreak"
yeah, i'm pretty sure that's the title of the poem below. "daybreak". not too creative, but it works.

well, today i'm finally tending to this nasty mop of hair and getting it cut. abouuuut time. i hafta be looking my best, after all, for my birthday party. *lol* leanne's got it all planned, it's gonna be awesome... the classic birthday party, with decorations and balloons and party hats and corny games... add a little alcohol into the mix, and it should be pretty crazy :) i'm actually really starting to look forward to it now. only 6 days til i'm 19... wooohoo... *g*

Current Mood: excited

not yet titled
it hurts to watch you sleep
i think you run from me
hidden there
in your private world of dreams
you escape my angry tears
my loss of hope
loss of life
you escape the quiet nights of nothing
watching me suffer
but never daring to ask if i'm okay
(of course i'm not fucking okay)

in that world you can be free
you can love or hate me
or you can leave me behind

then, with a soft murmur
you roll over slowly
and wrap a protective arm around my waist
"are you there?"
you are still sleeping

even when you could run
and you could get away
you cannot bear to let me go

(goddamn these fears)

it hurts to watch you sleep

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: "nightswimming" - rem

sick sadists! i will have no more of this!!
i cannot get any more tired. i swear i'll just start to hibernate if i do. it was that damn chiropractor, i know it... i've always had the feeling that there was something evil about twisting people's backs and necks around until they snap like twigs, and now i have proof! HAHA! not to mention my headache isn't any better at all, now i'm just tired on top of that. bah. damn people are sadists, every last one of them.

anyhoo, i feel very productive today. i'm making dinner (scary but true), cleaning my room, doing laundry... and probably napping in between each and every one. SO TIRED...

Current Mood: groggy
Current Music: "water" - the who

wild drunken orgies! four girls and one guy on a bed! such are my weekends ;)
last night was fun and interesting... got together with a bunch of friends and friends-of-friends who were in town for the long weekend and had a big booze-up (which, of course, i didn't partake in... blah). poor tyler tho, he was kinda let down by one of his friends there... i guess he was hoping that they could have some bonding time WITHOUT drink interfering, but the other guy had an entirely different plan for the night. so ty got a bit miffed that this friend was in the process of getting smashed and decided to leave when i did (someone i'm none too fond of showed up, and i really didn't feel like dealing with him). but other than that, it was a pretty fun night... at one point, everyone decided that we should all try and fit on the host's parents' bed... obviously, with amusing consequenses. myself, i ended up crushed between tyler and courtney, with andrea in my lap *hehe*. the group dwindled off slowly, and one of the guys ended up with all four girls in bed with him... we just talked! honestly! okay really, we DID just talk. do you really think anything that crazy would happen to dull ol' me??

as for today... who knows. i think i'll just have a lazy day to make up for all the sleep i lost last night. get back to my usual grind :P

Current Mood: lazy
Current Music: "gangster trippin" - fatboy slim

janis, wherever you are, i'm truly sorry...
yes, you knew i would, and i did. after hearing atonal renditions of "american pie" and "old time rock and roll", i couldn't help but weigh in with my own ridiculous version of "piece of my heart". karaoke was a fun, fun night :) joce and i sang up a storm, and even did go go dancing for people who were too nervous to be onstage alone. i did a rather silly "my sharona" and a totally mortifying "whiter shade of pale", but i must say "piece of my heart" was my finest moment that evening. i think i reminded everyone why it should be stricken from karaoke cd's everywhere... NO ONE is janis, no one can even pretend to be janis. as me i got rave reviews, but dear janis is a one-time thing, no one will ever compare. anyhoo, it was a good time.

today i'm taking a moment of silence to remember those brave young men that fought for our freedom (and thanking god that so far no such event has come to steal my tyler, and hoping none will)... and then i'm hoping to see a few of my friend-of-friends who have come home for novembrance day :) it's snowy and miserable outside, but i'm about ready to get outta this house and do some living again. if i can't hook anything up there, i'm cleaning my long-neglected room, vacuum/dust and all, then doing laundry. pleeeeeeease god, let me be able to make plans today!!

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: the entire "fear" album - toad the wet sprocket

at first i was afraid, i was petrified... and other tacky moments
well, tonight is the night... karaoke city with joce :) i doubt if i'll do any singing, cuz (surprise) i'm not feeling too well. but hell, it'll be great fun to watch other people make asses of themselves. and if i feel the urge to vocalize, hopefully there won't be anyone there who knows i really CAN sing. otherwise they'll be sorely disappointed. i seriously was thinking about doing "me and bobby mcgee" but who was i kidding... i can't do janis. i dream of singing janis, but trying to make it reality would be a tragic moment for all involved. well, wish me the best of luck *hehe*.this could actually be fun...

Current Mood: geeky
Current Music: "i will survive" - cake

i don't CARE, people! sheesh!
argh. being on the internet tonight is like watching the american news. all anyone is talking about is the election. are there no canadians on the net? *sigh* i might have to go get a life... this is sad...

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: "me and bobby mcgee" - janis

ticking away the moments that make up a dull day...
what to say, what to say... well, this actually promises to be a remotely interesting week, if i can get feeling any better. y'kno, able to eat solid food more than once a day. this thursday (i think thursday... hmm...) there's a karaoke night at the high school, and i'm a slave to the rhythm of karaoke, so if anyone i know is going i'll have to drop by. and i hear tell they'll have some janis there... ooooooh.... everybody now! "Coome on, coooooome on and TAKE IT! take another little piece'a my heart now baybay..."

this weekend some folkses are coming home to celebrate dead soldier's day (okay, it's more to celebrate a day off), so that promises to be a rollicking good time. i love having so many friends of friends rather than dozens of actual FRIENDS... i can be in a big group and feel popular whenever i want, without having to be a part of the backstabbing and intrigue and love triangles that exist within them. besides, there's no chance that when i'm not around, they're going "oh god i hate her, she's such a bitch..." .. i basically cease to exist when not there. it's a nice system. i think i prefer that to my "girlfriend status friendship" with tyler's cohorts... "friend of a friend friendship" is much more fun.

great god, i have officially experienced the most disgusting tasting item on the face of the planet. do not, whatever you do, take licorice root tablets. i don't care if it's that or death. DIE, damnit. just don't eat those things.

Current Mood: listless
Current Music: anything and everything by glen phillips

tales of a consenting kidnapee.....
greetings. tyler is right next to me and feeling (almost) fit as a fiddle... sadly, now it is i who is sick :P not terribly surprising for me, but a crying shame when four friends appear at your door on a friday night to kidnap you, and you're tempted to say "nah, i don't feel so well." i went, in any case, and spent some mind-numbing time watching an endless pool game and sipping herbal tea to calm both my stomach and my nerves. it worked for the latter only. apres ca, we grabbed some movies...

funny story here, incidentally. i refuse to even enter the video store here, because i endured a short and bitter employment there, which ended with most of the staff hating me. and being a shit town, we only have the one. so i had to hide in the car during this part of the evening.

anyhoo, we scooped five movies and only wtached two because, in large part, of my not feeling that well: lesbian soft-porn poorly disguised as wiccan mysticism (little witches) and funky sci-fi full of over-serious and badly delivered lines and sweetass 80's style special effects (dune). all that saved the evening was being with such great friends... and, well, seeing sting in his futuristic gaunch in "dune" helped a bit ;)

anyhow, today i whisk off to help my sweetie babysit his little sister. a nice, peaceful evening... should be nice.

Current Mood: loved
Current Music: "ana's song" - silverchair

time travel courtesy of those crazy green day boys
the effect music has on people is amazing. all it takes is one song by the right band, on the radio or muchmusic, or playing in someone's house, and i'm in a totally different time. suddenly i'm sitting on my bed, in my big empty lillooet bedroom, with that lonely, gnawing feeling in my stomach. i'm surrounded by posters and magazine clippings, and the sea of faces almost gives the illusion of company. but what really matters is the music. of course it's angry, and of course it's full of hate and fear and angsty wailings... what else would do at that age? the only real company i have is that voice, those songs, and my entire life is wrapped around this band because of it. so 6 years later, when i hear them again, my stomach still gets hollow, and i can feel the angry, lonely tears welling up.

i knew this would happen when muchmusic announced their green day I&I. why did i watch? i'm a masochist, remember? :P

but things are good now. well, better. i can't exactly say i have my health, but i do have wonderful friends and a loving boyfriend, two things i woulda killed for in past days. and damn, i'm almost 19. time to let go of the past.

i always get pensive when i'm deprived of sleep... i guess when you lay in bed from 1 am to now, you have a lot of time to think. hopefully i'll get some sleep at tyler's this weekend.. and hopefully he's all over the flu, poor babe :( i should really do some laundry before i leave...

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: "she" - green day

why must i be such a masochist?
self control is a good quality to have. especially when your stomach rejects the majority of foods you actually get some enjoyment out of eating. only someone as weak as i would have toast for breakfast when they KNOW it's gonna leave them feeling like hell for the rest of the day. what a good way to start your morning, eh?

anyhow, happy happy happy. i can do it. not much going on, just trying to rebuild some birthday plans now that the trip to victoria has been vetoed. great ol' andrea and leanne, they were instantly like "well hell, come here! we'll throw a party together!" *g* what sweethearts. i can't believe i was ever going to leave them out of my 19th, of course i should celebrate it with them. i wasn't really planning to club it up anyhow, not like i can drink much these days.

ooooh... stummy hurt... that toast is kicking in already. BAD diamond, BAD BAD BAD!

thought for the day: masochism is bad, mmmkay?

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: "easier" - glen phillips

it's always scary your first time...
well, i am now officially a part of this whole online diary thing. scary. and slightly voyeuristic. but ah well, it's not like i'll divulge ALL my secrets...

my life really isn't worth reading about, anyhow. i'm young, sick, and my life is on hold. it's kinda depressing, but i'm suriving. i'll die with this illness, not of it. it's the day after halloween, and all i really have to show for it is a hell of a lot of thigh-padding. yes, chocolate to the rafters :) it was a dull but relaxing halloween... it could have been worse, i could have been at home with the flu like tyler. yikes. now i sit back and wait for my birthday... the big one-nine. scary shit.

more later... and hopefully more interesting, but i doubt it....

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: "bounce" - danko jones

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